Atomic Energy

I woke up with a very strange feeling this morning. As the morning light filtered in my window and the watery memory of my dreams floated to the top of my head I realized why. This morning I dreamt that I had survived an atomic bomb blast.

Most of the details are fuzzy and the strangest twisted logic seemed to make perfect sense at the time. For some reason I was in a room looking for something. Then I heard a child's laughter. I looked through closets and cupboards but all appeared empty. Of course Angelina Jolie was all of a sudden there helping me look. That's when I realized that the room we were in contained an atomic bomb. I could feel the clock ticking and I knew we had to get out of there but Angelina would not listen, she would not leave without the phantom child. Man she is obsessed with kids!

Finally as the seconds ticked down we exited the room only to find that we were on the stage of a small black box theatre. I vaguely remember the presence of men with guns, Cubans? Colombians? I'm not sure. I dove behind a row of plush blue seats just in time. As I lay on the ground the seconds took hours. There was no sound. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. I don't know what I expected to happen as I lay there. Did I really expect these chairs to save me from a close range atomic blast? Death was not a thought in my head, nor was fear. I had no where to go so I did all I could, I waited.

The bomb went off and I had the strangest sensation. I felt a wave of energy push through me. It washed through every cell in my body expanding and growing, coursing through my veins. My brain zoomed out and I saw a pond like ripple in oranges whites spreading out for miles. It entered and exited, but I wasn't harmed. I knew that I wasn't dead or dying, I was fine.

That's when I woke up. I wasn't scared or gasping for air. It didn't feel like a sudden jolt out of a nightmare. I just woke up and felt calm and rested. I'm not going to analyze it yet, I don't know what it means,but I figure the part of me that needs to understand it already does. It just stuck with me today so I thought I'd share.

The Slow Grind

I feel like a little kid again. I sit in my swivel chair behind my fancy desk swinging my legs and twirling from side to side. I hope my boss, who's desk resides through open double doors, doesn't notice. Its slow today...I stare at the clock on my computer. 18 minutes until 3! I wait impatiently half expecting a bell to ring to tell me that schools out.

I like my job. The people are wonderful, and my boss is very nice AND appreciates me, a rarity I certainly appreciate. The steady paycheck aint so bad either... But on slow days its hard. There are no bills to pay today, and no incoming rent. The phone has been remarkably silent today. The minutes stretch out into miles. I have nothing to harvest in Farmville so I wander around the internet... and yes I will openly admit that I am a complete dork and love, no I'm sorry, am addicted to that game! I think it was designed for people like me who sit behind desks all day.

Not so deep down I know that I wasn't made for office work. Don't get me wrong I'm quite capable, in fact I'm good at my job, I just know that this isn't my calling. I like getting to meet new people, and my business skills have certainly improved, but there's no passion. I'd rather be doing something that included wearing a clown nose right now...I wonder what they'd say if I just showed up wearing it one day? hmmm

Three minutes to go and I would be more excited, but I'm working a double today. I'm trying to remember if I have any clean black tights for work tonight? hmmm do I buy new ones at the drug store on my way to the car or do I risk it? My life is exciting. I just hope its busy tonight. Business at the restaurant has been unpredictable and due to the recent move and car search, I could really use a good night.

Its 3 and the bell in my head is ringing, time to go! Tomorrow is Friday, and I can't wait for the weekend :)

My life now

Okay, its been a while since my last post, and after even more !#^#$&^% (insert your favorite expletive here) has occurred in life. I'm beginning to see a pattern here... Life is full of #$%&, but its also full of many many wonderful things. Of course this is easy for me to say now, because it seems that things have FINALLY calmed down.

The final nail in the coffin of the last four months was my falling out with my mother, I don't want to get into the details, but it wasn't pleasant. After crashing with a friend, searching and waiting (the waiting is the worst part!) for two and a half weeks I now have a new place to live! YAY! Its on the mesa and close to everything, I can walk to all the shops and this makes me very happy :). Also, I believe I have a place to live in LA lined up, at least for the first 7 or 8 months. Which will make finding permanent digs sooo much easier, and the initial move much less stressful. My mom and I are talking again so it appears that we might be on the mend, and I may have found a new (albeit used) car for myself!

I had tea with Sage yesterday and I think more than anything else it helped to have a real life human to talk through all of this with. I do have awesome and amazing friends in my life who I know I can turn to, and I have somewhat, but I know myself and I tend to get very reclusive and introverted when things get heavy. It was great to talk to someone who knows me on a personal and professional level. Someone I can talk to about the stuff that has happened and my fears and excitement for the future. Someone who has been through more of this crazy mixed up life, and dealt with the even more crazy mixed up business. Someone who could offer some sage advise (haha I'm sorry, but I had to...)

After our meeting over tea I found myself with a new zest for life. I'm excited about moving to LA now. I can't wait to start a new life. I've been through a lot, but, now looking back at the other end of it, I wouldn't take any of it back. The experiences life gives us are a gift. I used to think that what I needed was to experience a little bit more of life, and boy did I get it, but Sage made a good point: at least it all happened now, while still in a familiar place. If I had gone through all of this while trying to move to LA, get a new job, settle into a new place, and go on auditions, quite frankly I think I would have imploded. At least now I know how to deal with just about anything that comes my way. I'm finding the balance between two halves of myself: the part that likes to plan and have everything controlled and set, and the part of myself that likes to sit back and go with the flow. Both are valuable and crucial, but the important thing is to have them balance each other.

On another note, because of everything that has happened, and our financial situation being what it is Erik and I have decided to cancel our trip to Brazil :( It sounded too good to be true, and I guess it was... for the time being. I still feel the need to travel nagging at me so I'm sure I'll figure something else out, even if its camping up north for a long weekend or going on a road-trip (mmm just thinking about it is getting my wheels turning), but nothing feeds my soul quite like international travel, *sigh. Brazil will just have to be put on the back burner for a while. I plan on traveling the world until the day I die, so I know it won't be good bye forever Brazil!

Life is like that ketchup in a bottle...

Life is like that ketchup in a bottle, its sits there doing nothing as you shake it violently then pours out all over your plate entirely too fast coating everything and making your meal inedible.

Well there's today's attempt at being clever, not entirely brilliant but you were curious and decided to read on didn't you?

Life has decided to come at me fast. Once again I thought I had it all figured out, and life decided to correct me. I guess when it rains it pours. . . ketchup? (no seriously I'm sorry the ketchup reference is over :) My car was hit a couple weeks ago while I wasn't at home and even though I can read 5 of the license plate numbers embedded in the back of my bumper the police refuse to do anything without all 7. The insurance company is taking forever to get anything done, and the $11,000 quote for repairs makes me wonder if my car is actually totaled, but the repair shop isn't labeling it as such in order to get more work during these slow times.

I have to admit that I'm enjoying my morning walks to work and, on days I don't work doubles, my afternoon walks back home, but I think I would enjoy them more if they were a choice and not a necessity. I guess I can be thankful for the fact that I wasn't in the car during the accident. The final verdict from the cardiologist was basically that I'm more sensitive to triggers that cause fainting, I'm not sure if I buy that, but I've been in seemingly perfect health over the past month so I'll go with that! So I can be thankful for my good health. Oh, I also need to get a root canal though... I've been procrastinating because I don't really want to pay for it, and the idea of drilling into my tooth isn't exactly my idea of a fun day off, but I know that I need to stop procrastinating soon because whether I like it or not I need to do it to save my tooth. The root canal is a result of me hitting my tooth a few months back when I fainted, its the gift that keeps on giving!

Okay too much negativity... I guess what I can glean from all of this is that I'm a stronger person than I think. This has also helped me really place my focus on the future. I have an amazing opportunity to go to Brazil for a month in February, and I've never been more excited to leave home and start a new life in LA! Two very exciting things that help to keep me in a forward motion through life.

Summer Recap

Okay, so obviously its been far too long since my last post! Its been almost three months since graduation and so much has happened. Life changes every day and the only thing I can count on is the fact that whatever plans I make are inevitably going to change. After so many years of school, I find some relief in not knowing exactly what's coming next. I thought it would terrify me, but I've found it more comforting. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, take hold of what you can control, release what you can't.

My original plan was to be apartment hunting in LA by this time, but lo and behold things have changed. About a week after my birthday in July I fainted in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's for no apparent reason. The hospitals diagnosis was dehydration. They sewed the hole in my lip (did I mention I landed on my face) and sent me on my merry way. Its been nearly two months now and I'm still getting dizzy spells and have had a couple more near faints. I never thought at 22 I would be seeing a cardiologist, but I am. The worst part is feeling like I have no control. I feel completely at the mercy of my body. I'm running a final test tomorrow after which Dr. Kent and I are going to discuss the results of all my tests. I don't know what to expect, but I'm just hoping for some kind of answer.

The stress of being in strange health and having new medical debt had made my move to LA rather daunting, but, as I've said, things have been changing a lot. I recently had a job literally fall into my lap. One of my friends had gotten a temp job as an office manager downtown, but had to give it up because she was offered a dream job that she had just about given up on. So now I work in an office (which I never ever thought I would say!) downtown. The pay is great, the people are nice, and my boss is amazing. Best of all its 9-3 so I can continue working at Lucky's too. The job goes until the end of the year, so it looks like my move will be happening in January now, which is actually a bit of a relief. I had put so much pressure on my self to move, get my career going, and "start my life", but I forgot: my life is already started. I need to slow down right now and get my finances, and most importantly my health in order. Obviously there will never be a perfect time to move, but for now I think things are working out the way they need to. Who knows how things will change tomorrow!

So some very exciting news: 

Dr. Jeremy Haladyna from UCSB's music department has asked me to perform my one person show again April 22nd at Lotte Lehman Hall as a part of the annual Primavera festival.  I'm very excited, but nervous for all of the changes that have to take place in the next few weeks!  Here's a link to the festival's website:

http://www.ccs.ucsb.edu/primavera

In other news the viral commercial I shot a few weeks back with Dependent Media is up on youtube.  The software company liked it so much that they hired the guys to do a whole series of them!  Check it out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=me2IC9CONNg

Welcome to my blog!!! I wish I had more set up, but I've been spending all of my energy on the Senior One Person Shows.  Bill A is showing Thurs. 3/12 at 8pm.  Bill B (My Bill) is showing Fri. 3/13 at 8pm.  Both bills will be showing Sat at about 4:30 pm as a part of Super Saturday (The BFA finals day).  All of the shows will be in UCSB's Studio Theatre.  If you're in the area come check them out, so much amazing work has gone into these shows! 

As everything wraps up this weekend I'll spend more time here, so check back soon for new updates!