Boxes

I'm in LA!!! and swimming in a sea of boxes. After going back and forth between LA and Santa Barbara for a little over a week all of my stuff is here, and the keys to my apartment in Santa Barbara are turned in. I am officially a resident of Los Angeles yay! now I only have about a million things left to do...so far:

Step one: unpack boxes, throw the boxes I don't want to deal with yet in bedroom/closet.

Step two: explore the area. I took Doodle for a walk out of Marina into and around Venice. She now owns a significant number of bushes and trees in the area, good job Doodle!

Step three: make excuses to not unpack the boxes that I trip over to get to my bed. Too tired from our Five mile walk...

Step four: do taxes! I owed money, so eww!

Step five: Update resumes, Theatrical and otherwise, I am now looking for work x2!

Step six: stop for a second and realize wow, I'm really here!

Step seven: get ready for an adventure.

I feel like I have done so much lately, yet feel like there is still SO MUCH to do! And its true, but that's life. There is always more that can and will be done, but it is important to stop every now and then and appreciate where I am now, because it may not always be there. I'm 22, I've graduated from college, and I've left the only city I've ever called home, oh yeah and I have no job! I feel like the luckiest person in the world right now, my whole life lies ahead of me and this is where my adventure starts! Don't worry I'm shamelessly optimistic, but every now and then I get stricken with terror too, everything in balance :)

Hello?

Well hello there, its been a while huh? Yeah, well I find it hard to talk about myself so much, and is anyone really reading this anyway? Well lots of stuff has been happening and I think its important for me to keep writing, whether anyone is really listening or not, for myself more than anything. Ironically its when things start happening fast that I don't take the time to sit and write, but its the time that its most important.

Bedtime in Detroit, a new play by Ellen K. Anderson :) has been going well and with only two more shows left that means its time for me to start packing up and move to LA! This show has been such an unexpected and wonderful experience. I have become very spoiled getting to work with Ellen who truly is an actor's writer and I feel so lucky to say that Jeff Mills and Sage Parker are no longer teachers and mentors, but colleagues as well. I'm just excited that I will now be moving to LA with that freshly charged feeling of live theater in my bones.

I love to hear people's reactions when I tell them that I'll be moving next week. A surprising number of people didn't believe that I ever actually would move. I've been talking about it for months, well since I graduated really, and I think their mistake was assuming that it was really "just talk". Erik tells me that my second toe sticks out a bit longer than my big toe and this is supposed to mean that I'm a stubborn person. I take this as a compliment. I'm usually quite "go with the flow" but when I set my mind to something, I usually am quite stubborn. Life may have taken a few turns and it may have taken longer than I originally thought, but I never doubted that I would be moving. Everyday and every action I have taken has continued me in this direction. I guess I see stubborn and driven as synonymous. I'm just excited to start a new life with my many old friends down in LA.

The end of a chapter

So tomorrow marks my last day in the office. The last four and a half months have gone by so quickly and like most things that come to an end its bitter sweet. I've been given the opportunity to work with some truly amazing people. The atmosphere is like none other. Especially during these economically trying times it has been immensely refreshing to work for people who aren't looking out for themselves, but for the well being of everyone. I think this is a lesson that couldn't have come at a better time. In times like these I feel it is easy to switch into "survival mode" and begin looking out solely for oneself, but we'll never get anywhere with an attitude like that. I'm glad to be reminded of this on a daily basis, because it's so easy to forget. So that's the bitter part, I will be sad knowing that I won't be waking up everyday to see my new work family, but there is sweetness too.

This chapter coming to an end means that I am that much closer to the next one: LA. It looks like March 1st is the officially tentative move date and I'm beginning to get really excited. As much as it scares me sometimes the idea of a new place, new people, new job it's also really thrilling. I always thought that I would try to move to LA as soon as I could after graduation because I was afraid that I would loose steam, and let my fears get the best of me, but the last few months have taught me quite the opposite. The fire inside of me is burning ever stronger and I find myself itching to get in the game. I'm going into this with far less doubt and more confidence than I think I would have six months ago. One thing life has taught me is that everything is ever changing. Life does not end with failure, it begins with every new choice you make. I'll do what I love to do until it no longer holds joy for me, then I'll find the new place where my passions lie. I have no idea what the future holds, but for now I know that this is what I want to do, every fiber of my being tells me that.

I can't wait to leave Santa Barbara and embark on my own life!

Resolutions

A little update because I've realized that I've forgotten some important ones:

Journal more:

After a wonderful girls night with Taylor, which included great wine and hours of talking, I've realized how important it is for me to get my thoughts out of my head. I'm a bit of a Hamlet. I think about everything. This can be a great thing, but it can also be a burden. I used to have a hard time keeping journals because I didn't like the ever changing nature of my thoughts and emotions, the minute I wrote something I might feel differently, but that's the point. That's why it's all the more important to keep track. If nothing else its interesting to look back and ponder the ever changing nature of the human mind.

Travel more/at all:

I have a bit of a nomadic nature which is perhaps why I've always loved acting and its ever changing world, but its been a while since I've gone anywhere. I feel myself in a bit of a funk and for me the cure is always, always traveling. It is my drug, my prozac if you will. I'm in a bit of a limbo right now. I'm working in a job that I know is temporary, living in an apartment that I'll be leaving in a matter of days/months, just waiting to really do anything until I move to LA. I need to go somewhere new, exotic, a place my eyes have never seen before. I need to jump on a plane and be thrust into a new world, broaden my perspective, press the refresh button on my mind. This has now reached the top of my list as my #1 resolution for 2010.

Happy New Year!!!

First off HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!

I couldn't be more excited to start this new year, and anyone who has read a few of my previous posts would know why. Last year was a year for trying experiences, I declare this one as a year of prosperity. And since this is now printed on the all powerful internets it must be so!

As I sat on the beach yesterday in perfect, near 80 degree, weather I had a feeling that the world was agreeing with me. So I sat and smiled and watched sandpipers scamper in the surf. Frankie lay at my side snapping at sand flies and Erik was on a board in the water doing what he loves most, my world was at peace. I choose yesterday as a sign for my year to come.

Now its time for some resolutions:

I will not stress about money:

This will be a tough one since it has its spiny little fingers in all aspects of our lives, however I am now making the conscious decision to not let it rule my life. Too much of last year was wasted over bills, bills, and bills. Bills will always exist, I'm responsible, they shouldn't get to me so much.

Keep in better contact with people:

Now this is my biggy for this year. Anyone of my friends who does not share my area code can tell you that I am awful at staying in contact via phone. I don't know why, I've just always been this way. I'm great on the phone when it comes to work, but when it comes to my personal life I much prefer face time. I have many excuses (working two jobs, busy busy, etc.) and that is part of it, but I've just never been one of those girls with a phone attached to my head, I'm just a little awkward when it comes to the phone. I always love the conversations I have, so this year I am making a conscious decision to pick up the phone and call more.

Live without regret:

This is one that I remind myself on a daily basis. Regret is a negative emotion that in my book isn't very productive. Evaluate, learn, remember the past and adjust for the future, but don't dwell in it. Laugh at your mistakes, fix what you can, prepare for the future and move on. Easier said than done, but its something I try to keep in the back of my head.

I've been asked to stay on for a couple extra weeks in the office, which has been a huge blessing. My sights are set on LA, but the move probably won't happen until February so I was going to have a couple weeks of limbo time, this at least cuts that time down. Plus as it comes to a close I will be sorry to see this job go. I've learned so much and been so fortunate to work with so many wonderful people. People who've taught me that it is possible to run a business with people's best interest in mind, rather than the best possible profit. Its kept me optimistic in these hard times.

That reminds me. As happy as I am for last year to be over I don't want to end it on a completely negative note, I have much to be thankful for in 2009:

I have my health, it seemed shaky for a bit, but really it could have been worse :)

I was employed! (Twice over which is quite amazing, and I recognize how very lucky I am.)

And lets not forget that I graduated from college!!! Yay! Its easy to forget about, and feels like so long ago but its true. It was the culmination of four wonderful years of hard work, and I couldn't be more excited.

So there you go, last year is over and this one is fresh and new. It smells like the pages of a newly opened book clean and fresh...maybe a little inky, but I can't wait to see where this year goes!

Atomic Energy

I woke up with a very strange feeling this morning. As the morning light filtered in my window and the watery memory of my dreams floated to the top of my head I realized why. This morning I dreamt that I had survived an atomic bomb blast.

Most of the details are fuzzy and the strangest twisted logic seemed to make perfect sense at the time. For some reason I was in a room looking for something. Then I heard a child's laughter. I looked through closets and cupboards but all appeared empty. Of course Angelina Jolie was all of a sudden there helping me look. That's when I realized that the room we were in contained an atomic bomb. I could feel the clock ticking and I knew we had to get out of there but Angelina would not listen, she would not leave without the phantom child. Man she is obsessed with kids!

Finally as the seconds ticked down we exited the room only to find that we were on the stage of a small black box theatre. I vaguely remember the presence of men with guns, Cubans? Colombians? I'm not sure. I dove behind a row of plush blue seats just in time. As I lay on the ground the seconds took hours. There was no sound. I closed my eyes and waited for the inevitable. I don't know what I expected to happen as I lay there. Did I really expect these chairs to save me from a close range atomic blast? Death was not a thought in my head, nor was fear. I had no where to go so I did all I could, I waited.

The bomb went off and I had the strangest sensation. I felt a wave of energy push through me. It washed through every cell in my body expanding and growing, coursing through my veins. My brain zoomed out and I saw a pond like ripple in oranges whites spreading out for miles. It entered and exited, but I wasn't harmed. I knew that I wasn't dead or dying, I was fine.

That's when I woke up. I wasn't scared or gasping for air. It didn't feel like a sudden jolt out of a nightmare. I just woke up and felt calm and rested. I'm not going to analyze it yet, I don't know what it means,but I figure the part of me that needs to understand it already does. It just stuck with me today so I thought I'd share.

The Slow Grind

I feel like a little kid again. I sit in my swivel chair behind my fancy desk swinging my legs and twirling from side to side. I hope my boss, who's desk resides through open double doors, doesn't notice. Its slow today...I stare at the clock on my computer. 18 minutes until 3! I wait impatiently half expecting a bell to ring to tell me that schools out.

I like my job. The people are wonderful, and my boss is very nice AND appreciates me, a rarity I certainly appreciate. The steady paycheck aint so bad either... But on slow days its hard. There are no bills to pay today, and no incoming rent. The phone has been remarkably silent today. The minutes stretch out into miles. I have nothing to harvest in Farmville so I wander around the internet... and yes I will openly admit that I am a complete dork and love, no I'm sorry, am addicted to that game! I think it was designed for people like me who sit behind desks all day.

Not so deep down I know that I wasn't made for office work. Don't get me wrong I'm quite capable, in fact I'm good at my job, I just know that this isn't my calling. I like getting to meet new people, and my business skills have certainly improved, but there's no passion. I'd rather be doing something that included wearing a clown nose right now...I wonder what they'd say if I just showed up wearing it one day? hmmm

Three minutes to go and I would be more excited, but I'm working a double today. I'm trying to remember if I have any clean black tights for work tonight? hmmm do I buy new ones at the drug store on my way to the car or do I risk it? My life is exciting. I just hope its busy tonight. Business at the restaurant has been unpredictable and due to the recent move and car search, I could really use a good night.

Its 3 and the bell in my head is ringing, time to go! Tomorrow is Friday, and I can't wait for the weekend :)